Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

“you recording!?”

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.