Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there