Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
🙂🐾
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Love is in the air fryer.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it