Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water