RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.