@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

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@Marlebean

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

@girlontapas

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

@ArtIsMyPorn

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

@maryfairybobrry

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

@gerryhallcomedy

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

@Burger_Time_

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

@elle91

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.