@Token_Geezer
@Marlebean “Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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@Marlebean 
@girlontapas Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
@stephenjmolloy Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
@ArtIsMyPorn If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
@maryfairybobrry Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
@gerryhallcomedy me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
@Burger_Time_ [as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
@TheToddWilliams Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
@elle91 Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
@OhNoSheTwitnt On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.