Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

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Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking


when nothing goes right… go left


“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.


I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.


Picture the perfect woman.


You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.


*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.