Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.