@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

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@chopper4jk

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

@MensHumor

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

@OBiiieeee

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

@PajamaBen_

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@thisjason

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.