Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”


Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*


Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!


If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.


Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?


me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?


[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first


Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…


Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.


On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.