Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@chopper4jk

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

@DartsBofficial

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

@MensHumor

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

@crunchenhanced

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

@OBiiieeee

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

@PajamaBen_

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@illuminatedwndr

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

@thisjason

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.