“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE