Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is