Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word