@minkpinkustink

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

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@donnie_fairburn

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

@joshgondelman

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

@KyleMcDowell86

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

@tobyhonk

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

@FancyNancyAnn

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

@PretendMaker

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

@goodgrief_rats

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?