relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
crying
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.