“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
so this horse walks into a bar
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.