“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
peeping toms
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I unironically love this joke.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty