*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.


WIFE: Let’s role-play
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?


If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.


First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*


I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.


The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”


I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.


How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…


“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis