I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Let’s role-play
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis