@abbycohenwl

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

You Might Also Like

@jollyrobber

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

@1fragmentedmind

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

@_radsy

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

@CAshmanActor

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

@Clanopath

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

@Grommit56

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

@amydillon

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

@chopper4jk

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

@elle91

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.