*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Check out the legs on this baby
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.