Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!