religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My what?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?