Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
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Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it