Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today