Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?