Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries