Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried