@captaincoximus

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

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@AnneHatfieldVO

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

@ItsAndyRyan

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@anerdonfire2

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

@UncleDuke1969

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

@BwanaChris

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

@KeetPotato

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

@PlagueLovers

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.