Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

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i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead


I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.


Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.


Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.


Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”


This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*


If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.


I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”