Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me š
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Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50ās gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, Iām just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesnāt know the definition of either ācleanā or ābathroom.ā
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Son #1: Whoās your favorite kid?
Me: It doesnāt matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but whoās your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and Iād bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
In the seconds before I die, I hope Iām allowed to correct someoneās grammar.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
So disappointed. Havenāt sold a single one of my āWe Welcome Solicitorsā signs on Etsy.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: āIām no doctor but Iām pretty sure itās not supposed to hurt when you button your pantsā
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*