Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
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ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning