remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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Every photo I’m tagged in
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.