Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question