Remember folks 😂
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Doctors texting each other.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.