Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
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Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.