Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
set yourself free xox
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Is this a threat?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer