@Aspersioncast

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

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@Bbrrysurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

@dumbbeezie

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

@amburgklur

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

@bonehugsnirony

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

@

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@psybermonkey

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

@SortaBad

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party