Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.