Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.