Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Beauty and the Beast
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I did not eat the cake…
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Seems kinda suspicious
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit