Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.