Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
same bro
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand