Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
how to exercise your calf muscles
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.