Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”