Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks