@ImajicAnne

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

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@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@InternalJane

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

@ozzyunc

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

@sbellelauren

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

@DurtMcHurtt

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

@CandyEmpires4

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

@Nickadoo

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

@StanHels1ng

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”