Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind


furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.


Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.


pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”


[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*


The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.


I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.


When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.


Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”