@Nickadoo

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

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@causticbob

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

@proEXgirlfriend

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@ShirtPantsJones

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

@simoncholland

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.