I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.