Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.


People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.


Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.


Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..



COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?


Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.


My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.


Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now


I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.