Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My dad teaching me to drive
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired