Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Maths meets science
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan