Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
OH. COME. ON.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.