@jordan_stratton

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

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@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

@Gupton68

My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@DiamondLou69

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

@AnkCoupleTO

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

@chuuew

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

@SortaBad

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

@Cheeseboy22

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”