Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

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[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.


[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right


My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.


Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.


Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.


Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”


I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?


THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.


I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars


My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”