Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
i was baptized in a car wash
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
This anagram machine is out of order.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.