Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?