Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
