Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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