Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Chicken bread
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time