@fleshhost

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

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@Kendragarden

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

@karanbirtinna

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

@Marlebean

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

@SoniaEryka

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

@0point5twins

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

@Tbone7219

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

@BrettDruck

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

@ln0217

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.