The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.