Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)


Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.


*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*


“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it


BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.


My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.


They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.


Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…


Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better


3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.