remember
only for emergencies
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I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.