Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn鈥檛 get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
馃槀
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You鈥檙e not getting your deposit back
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you鈥檙e young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you鈥檙e old.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don鈥檛 chill. That鈥檚 how people end up with chill-dren!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son鈥檚 text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings