Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower