Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to